The worst part about having firehair is that you gotta sleep
on a concrete pillow. You also wanna make sure your nightstand isn’t too close.
Oh, I can’t tell you how many times a fashionable person has fallen victim to
their own firehair! Just by rolling over in a groggy state and setting their
own lampshade ablaze. But after a few months you’ll get used to it. You may
still char some low ceilings, but in all fairness you should be thanked for
gracing those rooms with your brilliant fashion sense, and perhaps they will
even cherish the burn mark as I’m sure they cherish you.
Anyone
who is anyone has firehair. Haven’t you heard? Haven’’t you seen one of
the fashionistas walking down the street without hair, but instead a flame
smoldering and dancing on their head? There’s no need for brushes, shampoo, and
don’t even think about hairspray! You wanna burn your house down? Of course
not! I’m sure it's full of expensive, exotic things. Irreplaceable, like you.
Well if you haven’t heard, for some god-awful reason, let me
give you the lowdown. Firehair is the end-all-be-all hairstyle ever. Period.
EVER.

Alright so you gotta know someone, and then you gotta go
through with the procedure.
Now don’t bail on me
here. It’s not all that painful. Just a few chemical injections and some
sub-dermal surgery. Ever get your septum pierced? It’s not much worse than
that! Only a few days of recovery and poof! You’re more fabulous than you ever
could have imagined. Oh and yea one more thing… it’s irreversible. That’s
right, it’s a fire that burns for a lifetime. And make sure you keep it away
from water! If that fire fades your head will just be a burnt, bald, utterly
sad thing to look at.
I remember the first time I saw it. She was like a Greek
goddess. Her lips were as red as the fire on her head. Oh, her face was just
the perfect type of round, and when she smiled it seemed like she was directing
it in a full 180 degrees. Everyone who could see her face would think, “gee, I
think that girl is smiling just for me.” But she would smile for everyone, I’m
sure. She must have been one of the first if not the first firehair fashonistas, because at the time even I hadn’t heard of it.
After asking around, because as you know, I have the most
connected friends, I found the source of the fire hair movement.
He may have been some creepy little guy in a basement, but I
went through with it without a second thought.
And who would of guessed that I became the spear point of
the firehair movement? I went to all the good cafes, and burned their ceilings to
a good and gentle crisp. I walked down all the busy streets and I went to all
the new movies. I took the
complaints as compliments, since they were so clearly jealous. In a few weeks,
more and more people had firehair.I sparked a sensation. Yes, I was the
kindling to a brilliant new flame. The world was alive with a beautiful fire.
But then SHE turned up. That frost queen.
She showed up with her ‘new’ hairstyle, icehair.
Yea fucking icehair
that’s right.
There was no hair upon her head, or a flame wonderfully
dancing.
SHE HAD ICEHAIR. Icehair!?
Have you ever heard of something so absurd? It was like a crown made of
snowflakes. It just seemed so flimsy and brittle. And I’m sure that girl was
equally flimsy and brittle.
But there was something about that icehair.
Soon I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I lay in my bed for
hours, tossing and turning on my concrete pillow, and though my head burned
like a flame, the rest of my body was cold as ice. And if I managed to dream, I
dreamed only of her. Icicles fell from the sky and cut me to a million pieces.
My firehair dwindled in the damp, cold air of her presence.
Soon reality became even worse than those nightmares as I
saw more and more icehair everyday. Even some of my fashionable, dear friends
somehow had their firehair frozen into a crystal! Everyone thought it was the
‘new thing’.
But did they think I would give up on it too? The idiots. I
helped pioneer firehair! Did they think I would just turn my back on it?
Well, I’ll tell ya what I did, even if you have already
heard about it in the news. I’ll tell you my
side of the story.
Somehow in the early morning, just as I was having one of
those awful dreams about her, some little neighborhood joker set the sprinklers off in my apartment building. The water
falling on my firehair was one of the worst pains I have ever felt. The steam
and smoke surrounded my face like a scorching mask. I ran to the fire exit and
climbed down in a smoldering fury.
I didn’t stick around to wait for the fire department. I
didn’t even care about all my burning possessions. My face was a mess and my
thoughts were all jumbled up but I knew I had to keep my firehair burning. I
kept it safe in the shower for months and never went out when it was raining,
and I wasn’t going to let it vanish on me now.
A while back I heard something: that if your firehair is
going out, you can give it some life by drinking booze. The alcohol in your
blood works like lighter fuel and you might be able to get it to last long
enough to get somewhere with the right chemicals.
So I went to the store and bought some vodka and started
drinking it as I began my long and difficult journey.
The people on the streets looked at me with sideways eyes,
like I was some sort of crazy person!
I kept drinking, praying to the god of fashion that my hair kept
burning. Then I started seeing people with icehair. They began looking like
ghosts, like fucking ice zombies!
Their chills sent shivers down my spine. I had to keep
checking to make sure my fire hadn’t been extinguished. I borrowed a nice man’s
newspaper and held it over my head and with great relief I saw that it was
still burning. And ok, yea, I may have dropped that newspaper and started a
fire or two. AND YES I lit a few more things on fire in my stupor, but come on
people, that’s what fire department is for!
Then I realized where I was, right by my favorite café. I
saw all my friends. All of them had icehair and they were laughing and having
such a great time.
AND THEN I SAW HER.
She was sitting there practically absorbing all their
laughter. Somehow radiant even with that crown of frost and her silky blue
clothes that seemed to tumble down her body like a snowy tundra.
And they look at me and laughed even harder. They laughed at
me?! I mean, im sure I looked awful, and I would have probably laughed at them
if they were in my shoes, but how could they laugh at ME?!
I didn’t know what was happening. I thought I was in another
of those terrible dreams.
She stood up, and looked as if she was about to leave.
I could feel the warmth on my head. My flame had not yet
gone out.
Her and that icehair. IT WAS LIKE A DAGGER IN MY MIND.
ICEHAIR ICEHAIR ICEHAIR ICEHAIR ICEHAIR ICEHAIR
“damn you!” I screamed with the agony of a thousand burning
souls as I walked towards her.
And that’s when I saw the fear in her eyes. It was like
watching a frozen river shatter at sight of first spring.
And you know what I did? Yea that’s right.
I walked right up to her, hugged her like a lost friend,
kissed her on the cheek, and smiled with sharp teeth as her stupid icehair
melted into little rivers around us.
huh?
ReplyDelete