Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Note from a Wolf

There is nothing too excruciating for me to wish upon my enemies. Let them drown a thousand times. Let them be gnarled up by the smallest and sharpest teeth. Let them be born into endless nightmares and never wake up.

(don’t think of yourself as such a savage thing for saying that, please)

Don’t even act for a moment like it’s not natural. Gad damnit, we’ve been competing for the right to survive since we were nothing more than a mere cell. And don’t act for a moment like death didn’t have a vital place, there, in the very beginning.

(all things in the wilderness are accompanied with pain, my dear, it’s ok)

I watch ceiling fans spin like flaming turbines. The storm is coming and we shall all die, don’t you know? Don’t you know that we can’t escape the crash? We can brace and hope all we want, but we can hardly put a dent in the things to come. I must run.

(in the autumn, the leaves fall, yet they are born again so soon, and it’s absolutely lovely)

I'm healthy, fresh, and bright. Have I becoming less wild? This concrete keeps me so far away from the dirt. I need the smell of dirt in my nose. I'm afraid of the future. I’m afraid to breathe loudly, even when I’m alone in the dark. 

(I’m not afraid to say these things to you, my dear, it’s only the truth)

Have I forgotten the fine and fantastic art of killing? Sometimes I am too weary to even chase a squirrel, and just the other day, as I was walking down the street, some woman had the audacity to call me a husky! She should have ran in terror! She thought she recognized … Something.

(I know, things hold you back from voicing your desires)

My teeth are yellow because they have touched blood. A wolf’s teeth are not clean ivory nor glimmering porcelain. Yellow is one of the colors of the body. Blood corrupts everything and makes it red. But yellow is hiding there, as well as green and purple and the deepest of blues. And as I tear things into little pieces I am raptured by the colors of the world, and I list them all into my memory before they blend into the red.

(you couldn’t run from me if you wanted to)

These people have forgotten where meat comes from. They kill my food. They kill my family. Oh, let the seas come washing in! Let the sky fall already! Don’t let them breed my sons into chihuahuas. The sun is so cruel for continuing to shine. The moon is too busy for even the most casual of howls.

(yet i am still thankful for every grain of sand that falls through your hourglass)

I have come to realize that I seek something or someone that is unattainable. But, perhaps, I can find it by stepping out of norm. I must taste the dirt again even if it requires my final sparks of life. I see hidden symbols in street signs. The radio signals that people cannot hear sing secrets to me.

(all secrets are the best secrets, so long as they are true and well kept)

Every quiet suburban night I am born again. Every time they pass from dusk until dawn without a meager glance outside, I am there, walking in the shadows, waiting. With ever a frolic, I sing and dance the shadows back alive, back into their dreams. And they will see me there, finally, I will mark with my jaw where the nightmare shall end, and in that end they will only see me.

(dreams tap into a hidden and immortal aspect of our perception)

I have waited a long time to become a reunion of broken parts. How many places have I been scattered? I embrace my madness. You run from yours, as it is slowly leaking out of your lips, and it chases you, these imaginary witches. Don’t you realize you are the one casting spells?

(when I am sad it is because you are sad)

She thought she recognized...
She thought she recognized...

(I am happy when you are happy)

I am running through the streets mad and wild. The police hounds are on my trail. The consequences of crime will soon be impossible to escape. But I will gnaw my leg out of any beartrap. I must keep running.

(I am running after you. I will always run after you)

We live in the devil’s courthouse. We are wrapped in a spider’s web, and that web extends for miles and eons to the deepest parts of space. When we were born, Death shot an arrow, and that arrow will always hit your heart, no matter how fast you run.

(it chases a million roses too, and a million more breathless doves)

I hear the call of the forest in all the whispering wind. The nightingales of distant vales find me here in this concrete tomb. My hunger is beginning to grow. That woman called me a husky…. She thought she recognized... No! that’s not me! I am wild and free! I have to run. I have to run...

(if i could grow wings i would fly to you, through stormclouds and snow and ash)

They want to break our teeth with their fists and kiss the blood off our lips. My perfect teeth. My perfect yellow teeth. I will run as far as my legs legs will carry me. The radio signals are singing again. It burns in my ears and my claws.  Even my own desires seem to be coded in a language i do not or cannot understand.

(I won’t let you go)

These roads are a vast labyrinth. I get caught up on little forks in the road and the beauty of raindrops on a leaf. The smells carry me, the hidden songs. The hunger has come back to me. I must bite into something… I must keep running. The dogs are barking at me. Life is so heavy and fragile. She thought she recognized….

(passion and pain are often the same thing)

Something. Something. I’m hunting something. The hunger. I forgot. I feel the natural resonating frequency of this body. Is this artificial? I breath frequently. I can’t escape this oscillating beating.

(that is your heart, and that is my heart too)

I must keep running. I was just thrown into this life. I didn’t ask for this hunger. These desires won't let me be. Is the world itself is a cage? I have a key, but I cannot find the lock. Wolves aren’t the only animals that wear the clothes of man or sheep. Everything wears a disguise these days. My feelings, desires, the truth.

(understanding a toothache does not make the pain go away)

Yes, that's it, very, very close! I can smell the rustling woods, though the blood is draining from my face. I will not last long … I was captivated by this city, and now I must keep running.

(secrets live here, between only us, my dear, it’s only you and I in here and we are safe, it’s ok)

I can feel the sheep licking the morning dew off grass. I can smell the blood behind their skin. The cold, yes, the cold, I had almost forgotten it. The darkness where streetlights don’t exist. Yet this darkness is still golden. My brothers live here. Wild and free. I'm healthy, fresh, and bright. Have I becoming less wild? What did she recognize?

(you are not who you think you are)

I hear the chickens celebrating morning. They are so close and I am so hungry. The sky is slowly filling with a gentle, red glow. I cannot resist the hunger any longer. No fence can stop me. Yes, that's it, so very, very close. I will reflect the red sky with a red ground… They’re so scared, but I’ve never been so hungry. The universe is cruel, yet chickens taste so good!

(you have never felt more alive, have you)

The flurry of feathers. The yellows, the reds, oh how perfect and terrible it all is! My belly is full and I must beginning running again. I made a mess. The humans are mad. They’re yelling at me like I care to listen. I must keep running…

(come home, my dear, it’s not safe for you so far away)

The forest is so serene in the morning. The creatures of the day wake up as the creatures of the night become their shadows. I want to taste all the rivers in these woods. I want to walk until I find the sea and swim out into the ocean to taste whale blubber.

(did you know whales dream about flying through the clouds) 

Time does not exist here. I cannot hear the whispering radio signals any longer. This must be where falling stars lay down to rest. The moss folds over trees like a warm blanket. The sun is filling the world with long shadows. I hear distant barking. Are they barking at me?

(It’s already over)

The cars on the distant highway sound like the ocean. The dogs are on my heels. They must have my scent. Humans are with them. They are trying to find me. Fences, leashes, the shadows my nightmare. I must keep running...

(I won’t let you burn out like a failed star)

These filthy mutts. There is nothing too excruciating for me to wish upon them. Do they think I’m one of them? Would they dare think I heed the call of humans? She thought she recognized… She thought she recognized… Something.

(looking inside yourself is often a false mirror)

Shall this be where I die, by this rotten stump? Oh, they will tear me apart like I once tore so many things apart… But I will not surrender without a fight. The trance of battle, sweet blood in the air I breathe, this is why I was born!

(Don’t envy the dead, for they envy you)

Wait, no! This isn’t right! They don’t fear me? They think they recognize… they think they recognize... Something.

(you are falling back to me like an astronaut falls home)

… it was all over faster than a shooting star. No blood was shed, not even a drop. I screamed to the heavens and hells and heard only howling echoes in reply. The dogs, the people, they corralled me like a frightened pig. It seems running away from home was like running away from myself.
I guess I am a wolf-dog hybrid, not a wolf. 

I am a shiba inu.

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