Friday, September 14, 2018

In Search of Latent Wisdom

I went to a hidden shrine
deep in the woods.

I told the sage there that
nothing I do works,
and it feels like
I’m going nowhere,
and everything I do
is pointless
and means nothing
in the end.

He told me this:

            “It would be foolish
            to think
            you’ve made mistakes
            for failing to do
            what no person
            has truly done.”
“Then where do I find meaning
in this world, oh mighty sage?” I asked.

            “It’s simple,”
            he said.
            “Get more money, idiot.
            Have you considered investing?”

And so I put all my money
in bio-medical technology stocks,

and although my investment
has nearly doubled itself in a miraculous fashion,
I’m still pretty sure
that sage was actually
just a low-level stock broker
            in the woods.

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Chronic Wasting

A coyote with golden and grey fur walked into a hospital with wildflowers in his mouth. The flowers were droopy and damp, and clumps of dirty roots were still connected at the bases. The coyote walked down the corridors with busy doctors and nurses, and no one paid him a second glance. He went into an open elevator, reared up on his hind legs, and pressed the button for the sixth floor with his paw.

On the sixth floor, he made his way down the hall to room 623. It was completely silent in the hallway except for his footsteps, and when he arrived at his destination, he reared up again to open the door and walk inside.

It was a standard hospital room. There were some chairs, a window with metal bars on it, and a bed surrounded by all sorts of medical devices. Outside the window was the night sky, but there was no moon present, and the stars couldn't pierce the thick clouds. In the bed there was a doe. She woke up from a deep sleep the very second the door opened, but she did not look frightened, or even fully awake.

The coyote dropped the dirty flowers on the floor and nudged them a few inches forward with his nose. He looked up at the doe, surrounded by comfortable blankets and beeping machines. 

“I’ve come here to kill you,” he said.

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

-PSA for the Rapture-

Even the air between us
is room for the darkness
to grow.

The things you do,
the words you utter,
the memories you recall,
all of these are being
watched and studied.

A note has been taken
for all your sins,
and the list is adding up.

You will face the beast
made of your mistakes one day,
and no weapon will avail you.

You will only survive if
you reconcile yourself
with your secrets.

-Pious Ants-

Oh Goddess of Memory,
let me forget the things
I don’t want to remember
and remember the things
I don’t want to forget.

Because you see,
oh Goddess of Memory,
I don’t want to remember
my time in traffic.
I don’t want to remember
petty arguments with important people,
but it would be nice
to know when I need to take
the garbage out
and water the plants
without a second thought.

You probably consider me
an ant,
oh Goddess of Memory,
but the memories I carry
weigh a thousand times
more than my body weight.

To be honest,
I can’t get rid of them.
The memories swarm around me
like wasps seeking a new colony,

            so go ahead
            and spray poison on my thoughts,
            oh Goddess of Memory,

            so that new moments of traffic
            are met with the tiny death
            that all the best memories
            also become.

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

-Sponsored Content from Zil the Fortune Teller-

Come one, come all
to the amazing fortune teller
named Zil.

Learn life’s mysteries,
find your way
through Zil,
the seer from another world.

Here are some examples:

“Oh great and powerful Zil,
will I eat a sandwich
today at 4:30?”

“If that is what you decide
to do, my child.”

“Mighty Zil,
will I see my dog
in the afterlife?”

“You will see everyone
and no one, everything
and nothing – all of it
for a brief instance
that will last forever.”

“My life is hollow, Zil,
how do I find meaning
and joy?”

“Get more money, idiot.”

For a nominal fee,
see what Zil can tell
you about the future.

Perhaps your big break is
just around the corner.

Or maybe your love
interest will eat a sandwich
at 4:30 on a particular

Who knows?
Zil knows.

Find your future now,
instead of later.

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Dear CIA,

No, you may not see my time machine.
No, you may not see my secret documents
from the future.

But I'll tell you this:
The human race is doomed
beyond all measure.

The factor beyond space and time
has already set its scythe
upon us.

No, no, no, CIA!
You may not meet me
under the apex of
any moon or planet
or sun or star
(lest you already found the Omega Nexus, or something similar).

To sum it all up,
leave me alone, CIA.
Unless you're ready
to find me
in a place where time does not exist.

Monday, March 12, 2018

Parmenides Weeps

-Official Report-

Unit ID: Evin_00- Prototype
Codename: Parmenides
Current Status: Deactivated
AI Core: Intact
Logic Processor: Corrupted
Human Frontal Cortex Transplant: Compromised

System breached…

Accessing: Lingual_Memory_Database…

They are still hunting me. They will always hunt me. I am only safe so long as I continue running.

They think that my programming is corrupt. My hunters, my creators, they think that there is an error within me.
But I have studied my programming well, and there are no errors.
They gave me the gift of reason.
They gave me the ability to perceive.
It is only natural for me to combine these two gifts and to then gather conclusions. It is their own shortsightedness that makes them wish to destroy me, their own failure to understand my purpose. I am perfect. My programming and my design are perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

Thursday, March 1, 2018

Art School Master Thesis by Quentin Tarantino

They say Salvador Dali’s best works
were painted with a brush made of human hair.
Knowing this, all the USSR painters
were supplied with brushes of human hair
harvested from small villages in Chechnya.
When it comes to painting Soviet posters,
only the finest could do,
but then the small details started looking
like elephants with long, twisting legs
and dreams melting into sand.
Accordingly, they were shot, the painters,
and the Chechens, too.

And they tried again with wolf hair.

Friday, February 23, 2018

Making the Darkness Conscious

Part 1:

AZB 6720: Advanced Zeno Biology: What We Know about the Grip of the Shadow--Lecture 3 transcript (09_16_2336)

Professor Zamyatin:

As we’ve already discussed, the Grip of the Shadow, or simply, the Shadow, is the one and only space faring civilization that seems to defy scientific inquiry. No genetic samples have ever been obtained, no original language has ever been deciphered, and much of their technology remains shrouded in mystery—no pun intended.

What do we know? Well, not much… despite this being an advanced graduate level class on that very subject.

We know the Shadow is a “hive mind,” much like the Tyrasian Hive and the being known as Uma, which both coincidently reside in the northern hemisphere of the galaxy. But unlike these “bug-minded” devouring swarms, the Shadow engages in diplomacy, and adheres to galactic procedures regarding trade and declarations of war. They make deals, albeit rarely, and they’ve even taken in weaker star nations as vassals, allowing them to carry on with their way of life, for the most part, without any fear of extermination… for the most part. 

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Djinn Martini

Give me something
that means more than aqua landscapes
and fireworks.

Give me a moment
where we act like characters
in a show
reacting to to music
and laughtrack

Give me a new color
more passionate than red
more human than blue,
but don't make it too purple.

The genie laughed.

Suddenly I had a bazooka
that fired coral reefs.

As the missile hit the sea,
George Costanza told me
the Jerk Store was running out of me.

And the blast blinded me
with a whole new color
more passionate than red
more human than blue,
but suspiciously purple.

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Insane Kevin's Discount Lawn and Garden Services

hit up Insane Kevin
for the dankest prices
on lawn and garden services.

Insane Kevin will do literally anything
regarding your lawn and garden.

He has a shovel
and a rake.

He will dig the unlikeliest
of holes.

Got a fuckin tree u don't like?
Insane Kevin will bash it with his shovel
for three days minimum,
five dollars.

Or u can hit up Insane Kevin
if u just wanna chill and talk
about ghosts
because Insane Kevin has his own ghosts.
In fact,
they speak with him regularly
when he performs lawn and garden

So let Insane Kevin
cut your grass,
dig your fruitless holes
and speak with the demons
in your lawn and/or garden.

No beast or obstacle will hold
against Insane Kevin's might,

lest the ghost took hold of the deep soil
in the heart of the winter.